Story Told

I've been asked to write an update about the three boys who came to live with us, and I'm just getting around to doing it.


It wasn't simply laziness that distracted me. It was wanting to wait and see what would happen. This story took an abrupt turn and I wanted to see what the outcome would be. I bathed it in prayer and hope. And the faith inside of me didn't want to share with you something that didn't reflect what I could see with my heart. But I am ready to share now, even without fruition of prayers answered. If you are ready to listen.


I met the boys through our bus ministry at church. I would bring them to my house a lot, especially on Sunday's. One day I got a call from their mother, asking me to take in Matthew, the ten year old. He had multiple behavior issues and she just couldn't handle him. And when I say behavior issues I mean he is known by police officers in the surrounding area because of his violent outbursts. He isn't allowed to attend regular school and was been committed to psychiatric hospital multiple times. I knew the urgency of the situation and responded immediately. I drove to Walmart and bought him some clothes. Nothing from his bug infested motel room could come with him. When I got to their motel Matthew was excited. He always wanted to come live with us and now he was getting to. Matthew had always done so well in our family that I had a lot of hope things would work out.  


Having taken in a homeless child in the past, I knew there was some legalities that I would have to take care of to take him across the state line, where I lived, and home school him legally. When I spoke with their caseworker she informed me that the state was already planning on removing Matthew and his four brothers from the home. She told me that their grandfather would be willing to take custody of Matthew's brothers if I would take custody of Matthew. I agreed.


When I got to court the case worker informed me that the grandfather was only willing of taking custody of the two oldest boys. If I wouldn't take custody of Matthew and his two younger brothers then they would be placed in state custody. The judge needed an answer immediately. I didn't even have time to call home and ask Jack, my husband. But I already knew what his answer would be. I agreed to do it.


Matthew had already been living with us for a few weeks by this point. He was doing super well. He excelled in school, doing all his work and even working ahead. His ability to memorize spelling words was uncanny. He had a photographic memory and carried himself like he would be a future contender in the National Spelling Bee. He was ecstatic his two younger brothers would be joining him.


When my husband and I (told you he would do it) picked up the boys the lice was so bad that they were literally falling off their heads. I put the lice shampoo in their hair before they even got in our car. Those suckers were still alive thirty minutes later when I got to my friend's house. I needed help, and even though it was late in the evening, I knew the person I could turn to: one of my best friends, Stacy. She is a hair dresser. There was a season of life that we hung out daily. She taught me how to sew. We use to let our kids play while we sewed them all matching outfits and then we would take all the children out and pretend we were the Von Trapp family. Loved those sweet, simple days.


Stacy shaved the boys heads. Had to be done. No way around it. 


And then we brought them home.


At first Matthew was happy to have his brothers join him. But that lasted about twenty minutes. Something turned on in Matthew when his brothers walked in that door that he didn't have the power to turn off.


Was it the pressure he felt to parent them? He couldn't control the two year old. Matthew became frustrated at everything he did. And then he displayed resentment to his eight year old brother. He didn't want him to have anything special. 


The sweet, cuddly Matthew disappeared and a very angry, frustrated Matthew emerged. One day we were doing family devotions. We were talking about how Jesus helps us to have victory. He became agitated and declared that he would never have victory. "You don't get it. You all already have victory", he stuttered. "I'll never have victory. It isn't going to happen to me." Broke. My. Heart.


The temporary custody we agreed to, before the judge, was turning into permanent custody. The boys parents had failed to follow thru on anything the court had mandated. We had the three boys for several months at this point and Matthew's behavior worsened towards his brothers, and for the first time, towards our family. His outbursts were so violent that we implemented an emergency exit strategy for the other children to shield them from the trauma. They had to go a room and lock the door. Sometimes for hours.


One evening, on a Friday night outreach, the unexpected happened. And it changed everything. 


On Friday nights I take a group of impoverished girls out. I volunteer through Young America, an incredible ministry to at risk youth.  My older children and I pick the girls up in a large 15 passenger van and take them into the community to minister to others. We always go out to eat and do something special for the girls. Because of Matthew's behavior problems he always came with us. I couldn't leave him at home with younger children.


On this particular Friday evening I noticed a girl needed shoes. It was cold and the need couldn't be ignored. So when we were finished with our evening I dropped all the girls off except the one who needed shoes. I got permission from her mother to run into Walmart for the purchase. It was right around the corner.


It was late. Maybe that's why Matthew was walking so slowly through the store. He wasn't be compliant but in our hurry we just scooted him along. The girl ended up with a buggy full of things. It was too much fun to pass up. But poor Matthew wasn't so happy about purchases that weren't for him.


At the check out counter he seemed to cheer up. He liked the cashier. Her name was Jeannie. When Jeannie rung up the price on a pair of boots the price was wrong. She sent another employee to go check the prices. When he came back he reported that the boots weren't on sale. This is when Matthew tells him and Jeannie that his mommy steals by changing the prices on things. They assumed I was his mother. They both turned red and gave me that you"re busted look.


I explained to them I wasn't his mother. Matthew chatted with them a while longer and then it was time to leave. He learned the other cashier was John. Matthew can display such depth of anger but he can also display such depth of love. He loved Jeannie and John.


Things were good until in the parking lot Matthew went berserk. I was holding his hand when he suddenly broke free from me and ran back into Walmart. He was screaming that he wanted the cashiers Jeannie and John. No one could catch him. The more attention he got, the more animal like his behavior became. He started threatening to murder people and kill himself. By the time the manager got on the scene Matthew had crawled up onto a shelf. The manager wanted the police called. Understandable. Things couldn't get too much worse for a ten year old in Walmart. 


Matthew was still screaming for Jeannie and John when the police showed up. The officer asked to have them paged. Minutes later here come Jeannie and John walking through the small crowd of onlookers, wondering why the police wanted them. When Matthew saw them his countenance changed. The heavy breathing stopped. No more talk about murdering people. He climbed down off the shelf and ran into their arms. He had each of them sit beside him. He forgot about the crowd for a moment. Forgot about the police officer. He just began chatting with his new best friends. Then he would get angry out of nowhere and start breathing hard. Telling the police officer to have me hide the knives at our house.


The police officer informed me that he would have to take him to the hospital. And that was the beginning of Matthew leaving our house. I went with Matthew to the hospital and stayed with him until they took him away at two o'clock the next afternoon. They wanted him to stay for at least a week then we could get him back and hopefully get him stable again, which he really hadn't been since his brothers joined him at our house.


The hospital diagnosed Matthew with schizophrenia, bi-polar (which children aren't normally diagnosed with) and severe ADHD. 


Matthew's situation was so dire that unless something drastic happened to get him stabilized again we knew he couldn't remain in our home around other children. Since he had done so well with us before his brothers came we sought out a family or two that would help us out with his brothers so we could focus on Matthew. We thought if he came back to our house without his brothers being there then he would have a better chance of adjusting. One of my best friends, Angela Parsley, and her husband Tony, of Refresh My Soul Ministries, came to the rescue. They decided to take the baby, who had just turned three but was undeveloped. Their best friends, the Simpsons, would take the eight year old, sweet little Daniel, who couldn't be a better behaved little boy. Since we were all good friends we could get the boys together often. The judge agreed and Matthew was able to return to our home without his brothers competing for our family's attention. Attention, something all three boys desperately needed.


When Matthew was released he lasted two days. The first day back we had a blast at Chuck E Cheese. The second day was another exciting day in downtown Chattanooga at the Children's Museum. But come the third day his violence returned. Like. No Other. My poor children were looked in a room from 9 AM until 2 PM. That's when the police showed up at our house.


Matthew calmed down and the police officer allowed him to stay. But the very next day the exact thing happened. Violence. Like. No. Other. My children were again locked in a room for their safety from 9 AM until 3 PM when the police came. We had to inform the state. Matthew was declared level three, which is one step below having to be locked up 24/7. By law he had to be placed with someone level three certified and live in the state of TN, where his case was being monitored. 


So there we were, the Simpletons, orphan-less. Defeated. Because we wanted Matthew to have deliverance. We had worked with him for two years. He had loved our family for two solid years like he loved Jeannie and John. And then things changed. 


On the way to the courthouse to see the judge regarding Matthew I got a phone call. It was a friend who I hadn't talked to in a long while. She had no idea what had just happened with Matthew. She was just calling to inform me that she met the most incredible lady that is level three certified in the state of TN and she takes in boys just like Matthew. I couldn't get her number fast enough.


When I called her I promptly told her about Matthew. She could have, and sometimes did, finish my sentence when I was describing Matthew and the abrupt change he had made for the worse. She made her calls and put in a request to get Matthew placed in her home. That way I could still get him on the weekends like we had been doing for so long. I was ecstatic because Matthew wouldn't get lost in the system if she stepped in and our family would continue to play an important role in his life.


She made phone calls and Matthew would have been placed with her but her house wasn't large enough for another boy. She already had custody of several boys just like Matthew, who were thriving under her care. But if she had to move, she was willing to move! She soon put an offer in on a house. The appraisal on the house she wanted to purchase was too low and the deal fell through at the last minute. So I have just been waiting for her to secure another home. In the meantime Matthew was placed with another couple who is level three certified but just not very kind. My friend visits with Matthew and keeps her eye on him and recently told me she may get custody of him by the end of this month. We're praying.


Matthew's brothers at thriving with their new parents. The three year old is learning to talk. He has made such immense progress. God truly has blessed those boys with the very best of homes. The eight year old is living in a little Disney land with a big tree house in the back yard and is saturated with the presence of a very loving God on a daily basis. My heart can only rejoice at seeing them both so well cared for. They are where God wanted them. If I were to have known we would lose Matthew I would have kept the boys. God had a different plan. And the goodness of His plan minsters to me and so many others. I bend my knee to His sovereignty.


On another note let me share something else. I had always been close to the boys' parents. We had helped out their family multiple times and they knew we loved them and their children. They knew it in the deepest part of their being. Their mom and I even went out to dinner once and just spent time together talking. I knew she was an addict and a horrible mother. But I loved her. And, like I said, she knew I did. 


I loved her but I had reported her to the state multiple times. What they were doing as parents was a crime against children. Multiple people reported them but the state was so saturated in cases that they took an awful long time to intervene. When I appeared before the judge I had to report to the judge everything I knew about their case and I had to do it in front of them. I even showed the judge a picture I had taken of the large infested scab on the back of Daniel's head caused from the lice.I told the judge the husband told me that there was a meth addiction. And a few other things.


As you can imagine they weren't so happy with me and pretty much blame me, not themselves, for losing their children. So we didn't talk much since that day. All I heard was how angry they were at me.


A few days ago I felt so burdened for this couple. I wanted to reach out to them and try helping them. It just felt like they were needing another chance. God provides those for us along the way. It's a work of His endless mercy. A perfect combination of discipline and mercy is what we all need. When we're low, His kindness has a way of leading us to repentance. So I called them but was told by the motel they were gone. I assumed homeless.


And then Sunday I got a call from them. They had been living on the streets for five days. They wanted to know if I could help them. God had already laid upon my heart to help them. I was thrilled to do so. My husband and I jumped in the car and went to pick them up. We took them to the store and bought groceries and got them a room for a week. We loved on them. We let them know that just because we did something that hurt them, we weren't against them. Things couldn't continue the way they were living and something serious had to be done. It was an intervention from God to take how they are living seriously. Because it would be better for them to tie a millstone around their necks and hurl themselves in the sea then to cause one of thee little ones to stumble. And they got it. They softened. At least for a day and they were reminded that God wants better for them and that He is able to get them better. If they want to be.


They invited me to come to their state appointed visit with Matthew this next Saturday. I haven't seen him in three months now and my heart is aching to. I am looking forward to the visit and I'll try to post a pic of us. All of us. In this great big story of life with all its complexities. A story that isn't just about Matthew but his brothers and his parents as well. It's about the Parsley's and the Simpson's and the Akins. But mostly, it's about Jesus.

                                          Me and Matthew on our visit 

Good-bye Simple

The simplicity of my life was challenged with the entrance of three boys.

I don't know how having six children ever got so simple, but simple is what we were. Emphasize "were". I always said if we were a reality show we would be boring. The children read too much, sleep too late and obey much too quickly. It would probably be equivalent to watching Santa's reindeer live online. They just don't do much.

Then entered the three boys.

Three boys living with us, the "simpletons". And life was no longer boring. It was fun taking children from a dire situation and giving to them everything. Giving is the fun part. But taking on such a challenge requires more than giving. It requires sacrifice. Sacrifice is giving when it's no longer fun. It's giving when perseverance becomes necessary.

I have learned a thing or two about the reality of our worlds combining. It's tough. It's tough because I don't like bugs. The thought of them keeps me awake at night. And with one visit to their grandfather I was again at the starting gate. Lice shampoo and washing and watching everybody's head like a hawk to make sure no lice lived to repopulate. And then the mysterious rash over my body. And my sons body. The same rash the boys showed up at my house with. Scabies? Maybe. Gross. $150 to treat everyone. And another $150 to treat everyone a week later because that's what you have to do if you have scabies, fyi.

Three boys:

One boy that's two and likes to get into everything. Yes, he got my eyeliner and wrote on my bathroom wall with it. And I was standing right beside him as he did it. He's that sneaky and that quick. Keeps us all on our toes.

One boy who is eight and nearly perfectly behaved and absolutely no trouble. Who deserves so much more attention than he currently gets because our attention is urgently required elsewhere.

And then the ten year old. Who I love so very much but has threatened to kill each member of my family on multiple occasions. So not healthy for little ears to hear.

And there we are, the "simpletons", learning life isn't as simple as we once thought it to be. And most of the time feeling grateful that we have the chance to dim some of the chaos in the lives of others. And at other times thinking our tiny bit of good may not achieve as much as we wanted.

But the greatest lesson I have learned is that what we think in the moment isn't really all too relevant. That time I thought I could do this... that was a fleeting feeling. And that time I wished I never heard of motels kids...well, that feeling didn't last either. My feelings are too fickle to base decisions on.

All I look to now is my daily bread. He, our Father in heaven, knows how to provide for His children. He knows how to renew the weary with strength. He knows how to teach us to hold on, even when He requires us to let go. He knows that it's okay for us to realize that our strength is frighteningly limited because it will help us appreciate that His strength is not.

I have learned that He can bestow upon us peace beyond understanding and that such peace is worth more than all the treasure in the world. And I have been convinced that He is able to reveal His will with the utmost clarity.

And when I don't feel Him. And when my feelings are in array. All I have to do is wait and see what He will speak to me. He will again turn my heart towards the right direction and when He does I will know that peace. The peace of knowing you're on the right road. The peace that allows one to hear the applause of heaven.

Bedbugs and Boys!

Last time I went to pick them up they were covered in bedbug bites.

I remember my grandmother talking about bedbugs when I was a little girl. I thought they were a thing of the past. How wrong I was.

Many of the children we work with have them. Since I often bring these children into my home I have to be on the lookout. My oldest daughter had an episode where she woke up with what appeared to look like bedbug bites a couple nights in a row. I had a professional come scout our house for the creatures. He didn't find any but suggested we discard her queen size mattress to be on the safe side. Oh, just get rid of an entire queen size mattress. Tears.

But the Lord came through. Out of the blue I got a phone call from a sweet lady at my church, which is full of sweet ladies by the way. Her neighbor had a brand new queen mattress she was wanting to get rid of. Let's just say it was much nicer than the one we threw out. But even in view of this heavenly provision I was still afraid of bedbugs.

Well, the two boys I went to pick up were covered, and I mean covered, in bedbug bites. The motel in which they were living is festering with them. I just couldn't do it. I told them they would have to fix the bedbug problem before coming over again. I called the motel manager. She was rude, and then she was more rude. How someone can grow callous to small children covered in bedbug bites is beyond me. They even had a baby brother in their room who also was covered in bites. This meant nothing to her so the bedbug issue lingered.

A month and half later the bedbug issue was finally resolved but I was still hesitant. I love these boys but I was so stinking afraid of the bugs. Most of the time when the parents told me an issue was resolved it NEVER was.

Me: Do they have lice?

The Parents: No! Not at all.

I go get the boys and sure enough, they are covered in lice.

Almost all the parents of these extremely needy children tend to parent this way. So I delice the kids at my house. But bedbugs made lice seem like ladybugs. I cowered at the thought of them.

So over a month had gone by and I still hadn't seen the two boys that use to come over to our house every Sunday. Tiny bugs were standing in my way.

Then today happened. I got a little more brave. I decided to tackle the bedbug issue head on. All I needed was to bring them to my house, let them shower while I washed every piece of clothing they were wearing or brought with them. A friend donated some of her son's old clothes for them to put on after they showered. They've had their share of putting on my daughters' clothes while their things were being washed, which is what we had to do when treating lice. Their tiny bodies couldn't keep on anything of my thirteen year old son's. They look several years younger than their actual age.

Once I began moving past my fear everything fell back on track. I wasn't paralyzed any longer.

And then it happened.

Again.

Love for them flooded my heart. It's a love straight from the floodgates of heaven. The Bible talks about God pouring out His love into our hearts. That is exactly what happened. His love began to fill every crevice of my heart and beyond all doubt I knew it was a supernatural love from heaven itself. It cannot be mustered up by human effort or desire. It can only be poured into our hearts by our heavenly Father.

The Bible also tells us that there is no fear in love. When I became afraid, the supernatural love I had felt for the boys since the day I met them seemed to switch off suddenly, much like a light switch. The moment I allowed myself to push past those fears the love of God, once again, began to pour into my heart. It was as if a switch was suddenly turned back on. And there is no better light then the light that radiates from love.

So tonight we had twelve children in our house. The two boys, mine and some others.

After some of the other children went home I decided to take three of the boys to Walmart to pick out something special. I told them they could each have $10 to spend. Yeah, right! Let's just say I'm a sucker and that works to their advantage sometimes. But it was so much fun to shower them with kindness. Just think how many times, we as parents, shower kindness on our own children. From lolly pops to little toys we tend to do special things throughout our children's lives without even much thought. That was the type of love I longed to show them on our "special" outing.

On the way home I asked the boys what they wanted to be when they grow up.

One of the boys, the one with extreme behavior issues, said he wanted to be a pastor. He was so adamant, so certain. It seemed he was slightly hurt that I had to even ask him. "Don't you know!" he exclaimed, more then he questioned.

Now I've spoken "pastor" or "president" over many a child I have met. Meaning, I tend to tease them, telling them (half joking and half seriously) they they are going to grow up to be a pastor or the president of the United States. I can't help myself. I guess the pastor part resonated in his heart.

But you know what the sad part is? He isn't even allowed to go to church right now. He's spending the night with me and I was going to take him to church but I was told he isn't allowed without his parents being present. His behavior issues can be that explosive. They're afraid another child may be hurt. Last time he was there the church had to call the police.

So, if he's to one day be a pastor it will have to be all God.

And wouldn't it just be SO God to take a little boy such as this and transform him into the best preacher this world has ever heard. Yes, because God delights in using the foolish things of this world to confine the wise.

I asked this sweet boy if I could go to his church when he is a pastor. I asked him if I could work with the children.

Again, he seemed shocked that I ask such questions. "Of course!" was his sweet and very adamant reply.

It would be an honor, little guy. A true honor.

And, yes, I'm sad he's banned from church. Is that right? He couldn't even be 50 lbs. How much of a threat can something so little be? Could not my 6'4" husband shadow him "just in case"?

And then I remember that this same boy was banned from my house because of something so tiny they can barely be seen. Wasn't there some provision I could have made? Sooner?

I allowed this boy, who lives in one motel room with seven other people, to face the woes of his life alone. A little boy who is special needs but I knew wasn't getting any of his needs met.

So people are people. We get afraid. We get cautious. But then one way or another Jesus comes and teaches us not to be afraid and then He uses the very faith He gives us to do great things. Great things that will always have something to do with love.

Believe

We've all heard of Doubting Thomas, right?

He stated that he would not believe that Jesus had risen from the dead unless he placed his finger in His nail scared hands. Jesus gave him the chance to do that very thing.... just so Thomas would stop doubting and start believing.

But there is more to Thomas than the story of him doubting. There's another story about him that isn't mentioned nearly as much. Maybe it's because we, as humans, are more prone to recount failures than victories. We're prone to do it to ourselves, and we're prone to do it to others... if we're not careful.

In John 11, Lazarus was sick. Actually, he even died. Jesus wanted to go to him but the disciples tried to discourage Him from doing so on the account the Jewish leaders of that area were desperately trying to kill Jesus. Jesus wanted to go anyway. Danger or no danger.

And here is the shining moment: "Thomas, nicked named the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, 'Let's go, too - and die with Jesus'." (John 11:16)

Thomas, who had shown such weakness in his doubting, had at one time displayed so much faith that he was willing to die for Jesus. Wow! What faith. What commitment. What sacrifice. And all he is known for is doubting?

Why?

I think it is because we hate to stumble. We hate it in oursleves and we hate it in others. The problem is we all stumble. We're all a bit like Thomas:

We withstand things we never thought we could.... just to crumble over things that don't really matter.
We say the just right thing, at the just right time... and then catch ourselves saying things we never should.
We believe so strongly... then catch ourselves doubting everything.

Jesus provided for Thomas' unbelief. He visited the very issue that was making Thomas stumble. He appeared in the midst of Thomas' unbelief, put out his nail scared hands and reminded him to believe.

Jesus isn't just the Author of our faith. He is the Perfecter of our faith, as well. He invites us to believe Him and then He teaches us how to keep believing... because He doesn't want us to be known as "doubters". He wants us to be known as "believers".

So, let's remember our true potential.... and let's keep believing.

Repeating Yourself?

One of the things I battled a lot in the beginning of my parenting years was frustration. It was always poking out its ugly head and it always looked a lot like me, but uglier. Of course I cried out to the Lord about it, and of course, the Lord would always provide a way of escape. Here is one of the things He showed me that transformed me into a much more lovely person.

He showed me that if I use more than "just words" to address my children then they'll be more responsive and I'll fore go the frustration that repeating oneself again and again and again always brings.

What do I mean you ask?

Well, the Lord showed me that I liked to parent with mere words (probably b/c I am prone to be lazy). He reminded of the Bible verse, "They honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me." Well, come to find out God isn't the only one who knows when we're just giving lip service - our kids know it too. Children have an incredible sense to discern when mom and/or dad really mean what they say. Do you know what I think the most effective signal we can give to show that our expectations are sincere? It isn't yelling. It's stopping whatever we are doing and going to them directly. This shows that we're really invested (with our whole bodies) in seeing the issue out.

When children see that we are distracted when we address them I have found, at least with my children, that makes them feel they have a safety parameter for disobedience. When I am ready to give them my full attention I see that I have more of theirs.

Since I know that my children are more responsive when I am more attentive I have developed the discipline to be more hands on in parenting. I try to communicate to my children with more than just words. Our bodies are talking to our children as much as our mouths are. We want our body language to match our parenting language. When we say "I mean it" with our mouth, we don't want our body language to say, "I'm really distracted on the computer right now but when I finish this, then I'll mean it".

And we don't ever want to give our childen the impression that we really only mean what we say when we raise our voice. If that was the case our children would tune us out until we become physically upset, turning various shades of red and yelling things that would land us on the Oprah show featuring scary moms. There has to be a better way, right?

Well, children have a radar that picks up sincerity better than a hound can sniff out a critter. If children truly believe that we are serious then they will be more likely to respond with obedience. The more children learn to be responsive when we speak to them, the easier our job gets. The key thing is we, as parents, have to be consistent if we want to equip our children to be respond appropriately to a calm voice.

Another plus to hands on parenting is that you are not waiting for frustration to prompt you to move. You move based upon need, not emotion. When we aren't frustrated when we address our children then we're more effective. When we use self-control we know that we are training our children to take action as opposed to scaring them to.

Moms, if there are any topics of parenting you would like me to address in this blog please submit questions. And on each topic that is discussed please contribute what you have learned on the subject because there are moms who need to hear what you have to say.

Teenagers!

We can speak to our children's ears but only God can speak to their hearts.

I got a call from a mother I absolutely adore. A good mother. A great mother. And she told me about what she had been facing with her teenage daughter. Hard stuff. Especially because I know this teenager. And as hard as her behavior is on her parents, I know it's just as hard on her because she truly expects more from herself. What she is doing is not who she really wants to be because she knows it is not who she really is.

A lot of her behavior has been hateful. The words that have come out of her mouth could be considered nothing less. It's hard to understand how someone so sweet can suddenly act so uncaring, heartless and rude. Well, I think I may have a clue. The Bible says in Proverbs that if you rebuke a mocker, they will hate you.

Hate you? Yes, hate you.

Sadly, the world in which we live tends to teach our children to belittle correction. It is painted as unnecessary, foolish, a waste of time and a waste of breath. They mock it because they feel they don't need it, so they don't want it. They don't realize that "belittling attitude" compels their heart to step into a world of hateful behavior, whether they want to go there or not.

Just as dropping a ball sends it bouncing, mocking what a parent has to say will cause feelings of hate to come pounding on the door of the mocker's heart. Unfortunately, the abundance of the heart is what the mouth will speak. It's cause and effect and helps explain how a teen's sweetness can sour so quickly.

In unheated moments, when conversation is more fluid, there are some things we can do to help our children navigate around some of these destructive pitfalls.

1. For starters we can tell them to count on correction coming. No, it's not fun being "lectured" but it's part of life. Helping our teens be aware of this common fact braces them for such encounters and can help eliminate unnecessary drama.

2. We need to communicate to our teens what we desire their posture to be while being corrected. Parents have expectations regarding body language, words, tone of voice and response. Relating to them our expectations teaches our teens how to communicate effectively even while being corrected. Personally, I ask that my children be attentive to me when I am addressing them and ask that they use a gentle tone of voice. I often end a time of correction with a hug to communicate to my teen that my correction is meant to strengthen them, not hurt them.

3. Often teens mistakenly feel correction will last for infinity. Because they don't see hope on the horizon they succumb to impatience rather quickly. Allowing teens to know that correction, minus drama, lasts only minutes will help them to endure. As parents we need to be mindful not to get too repetitive. Once we make an effective point we need to end it there and not be tempted to keep dragging it on. As much as we would love to solve all the problems we'll face with our teen in one conversation - it just isn't going to happen.

4. When being corrected our teens need to be prepared to see our body language and tone of voice take on a serious note. Yelling is something that SHOULD NOT be done but there are situations that require a more serious stance. When rather serious situations arise, teens often get offended by our intense body language. Preparing them what to expect from us will help them to see a serious tone is nothing more than a parent's concern about a serious situation. * Note serious tone does not mean we correct our teen outside the guidelines of love. Love (which always believes, never keeps scores of wrong and isn't irritable) is a must or we ARE wasting our breath.

5. Defuse some frustration by being realistic about what raising a teen may look like. Like I said they probably won't master everything we want them to get in one conversation. Parents have to be in this for the long haul. It may take hundreds of conversations but eventually they'll get it. At least allow yourself to believe they will because our teens will pick up on what we believe about them. When we believe in them it fills them with an inner confidence. That confidence lends them the very strength they'll need to overcome foolish behaviors. Never view having to correct your teen as something negative. It is a great thing that they have someone to come alongside of them in life. Not everyone has that. Be glad your kid does.

Like I said we can speak to their ears but only God can speak to their hearts. God can touch places of their heart that the world's best surgeons can't reach. It is good to teach our children wisdom, but only God can cause them to love wisdom.

There is a promise in the Bible that says if we will draw close to God, then He will draw close to us. Since we need Him, let's draw close to Him. Never look at going to church, praying or reading your Bible as a mundane thing. Those are a few things we can do to let God know that we want more than just human effort working in our children's lives. We want Him to do what all men are powerless to do... which is change a heart.

Temptations Gone

When children come into our home I notice something. They tend not to struggle with bad behavior. I've seen children who are the roughest of the roughest turn into the sweetest things ever. Why do you think that is?

I'm not certain why but I am so glad. I hate to see a child struggle. And I know the world in which they reside in presents struggles. Hard ones. If I provide any shelter to them from life's storms then I am eternally grateful.

In the Bible Jesus exhorts us to pray like this: lead us not into temptation.

I think that has a lot to do with the level of victory a child, or any person for that matter, will experience. How much temptation are they having to face in life?

Every child has potential. Potential to stumble. Potential to excel. I believe their environment will greatly influence what the results will be.

In Proverbs it tells us that a wise woman build up her home, while a foolish woman tears it apart with her own hands. I want to build wisely. I want my home to be a shelter FROM life's storms, not a home that mimics the very storms I'm trying to protect my children from.

The Kingdom of God isn't a matter of words. It's a matter of peace, righteousness and joy. And when we allow those things to be found in our midst we'll find ourselves not stumbling nearly so often. And not just us, but our children as well.